Thoughts

There is something stirring inside of me as I get closer to boarding the airplane. It's hard to explain but if you've ever had that tug in your heart of wanting to go home, that's how I would describe it. I remember leaving Swaziland after my first visit there. I was traveling with my nephew Ivan and it was our first time doing something so grand. Going to Africa has such glamorous appeal in so many ways. It's exotic and strange and rugged and dangerous and beautiful. People have varying ideas of what Africa is like - to me, it felt like home.

As we loaded up to leave our hotel in Ezulweni - Swaziland, my heart got tighter and tighter. It felt like something was squeezing it. I could feel a shortness of breath, my throat closed up and the tears began to surface. Like grieving the loss of a loved one in their death, I felt a loss that I find hard to put into words. All I know is that as I hugged my new African friends, I didn't want to let them go. Something inside me wanted to run back inside and drop my luggage and stay - to drive my stake in the ground and say, "This is where I belong." Of course I didn't do that. I had a husband and 3 children waiting for my return. That would throw a wrench in their plans for sure!

I loaded my things onto the bus and with a heavy heart, nestled into my seat with my traveling buddies and drove away. I remember how hot my tears were as they streamed down my cheeks. I know I wasn't the only one feeling the breaking of my heart. Others were too. Most of us had our ipods on and of course every song that played, intensified the feelings. The lyrics speaking out my heart's longing to be a part of something so much bigger.

I was forever changed on that trip. The Jacqui that returned would never be the same again. Never.

As I prepare to return to that beautiful land, I wonder what it holds. Will it be even harder to leave this time? Will it be different now that I know what I am getting myself into? Will Matthias cry? Will his heart be torn apart and put back together different than it was before? When will I go back? What is my purpose in being there? Who am I to even begin to make a difference in a land with so much need?

I don't have any answers but I do know I am on a path. Something so much greater is going on - greater than I can fathom and as I press into the journey, more is revealed. I am not always the most patient person and want to know the 'big picture'. Yet if I did know, would I want to walk that path? I don't think most of us would because that path could include things we don't find desirable. For now, the journey is full of wonder and discovery and for that, I am grateful.

We leave exactly one week from today. Thank you for tracking with us as we go.
To be continued...